What a Stupid Name

Hen, what a stupid fucking name. What a frustratingly stupid name. What the fuck were her parents thinking. She got a nickname as a first name. A shit nickname at that. The kind of nickname given to grandmas or middle-class women going through an identity crisis. Her mother was called Kate. A normal name. Why did she have to curse her daughter with the name Hen? Did she want the other kids to cluck at her? Is this attempt to bring in a fruitful struggle against adversity from having such a shit name. Was she going to overcome? A modern-day MLK but for those with stupid names. I have a dream, a dream where I don’t have a fucking abysmal first name.

Jenny, on the other hand, did not understand why Hen cared so much about her name. It’s a nice name. Jenny hated her name. She envied Hen. Hen has personality. Even her anger at her own name felt so real. When Jenny felt herself disliking her name, she didn’t really think the emotion was real. It was contrived. Something she said. Something she said to herself, not others. Her feelings felt like a lie. She felt a lot of feelings about feelings. They’d just keep going on ad infinitum. A cycle of feelings, feelings about names.

Jamal did not like his name. Why did he not like his name? He was white is why. No one hears Jamal and thinks of a 14-year-old white kid with acne. He had a black voice as well, so he was told. Once, he bravely asked someone that said he sounded black

“Which black man?”

His discussion partner, a 13-year-old Pakistani kid called Ishana, said Chris Rock. He asked who Chris Rock was. She told him he was that guy that got slapped by Will Smith. Jamal was now terrified of being slapped.

Ishana was not ashamed of her name. She liked it. It was a beautiful name. When she spoke, Ishana spoke. How wonderful. How lovely. Sadly, her last name was Popat. She did not like this. It felt spikey to her; it felt boyish and metallic. Thankfully, she spotted a boy named Bharat Lanka. He was an empty vessel for that last name. The one that flows so well. Ishana Lanka. She dreamed of marriage and then a quick murder. What a name she would possess.